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Bikini Bloodbath
[Blood Bath Pictures]
2007; color
Directed by Jon Gorman & Thomas Edward Seymour
Starring: Debbie Rochon, Russ Russo, Leah Ford, Sheri Bobm, Katie Gil, Anna Eskilsson, Natasha Nielson, Dana Enslata & Olja Hrustic
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Bikini Bloodbath is supposed to be a parody - or homage; possibly both - to a number of different '80s films, slasher and otherwise. Unfortunately the movie fires blanks at nearly every turn, yielding disappointment after disappointment where there are ample, ripe opportunities for hilarity and gore. Even the presence of B-Queen Debbie Rochon, whose all-too-brief appearance playing a horny lesbian gym teacher (and looking, as noted by Bunny, like some sort of lost fifth member of L7) can't drag this dreck from the depths of badfilmdom. I definitely had to struggle to make it through BB in one sitting, and that was with the accompaniment of at least one adult beverage. Alas, even a vodka and tonic failed to remove the bad taste BB left in my mouth. The gore is what comes closest to approaching what the '80s had to offer, but even by the standards of that decade the effects are laughable. I've seen a lot of movies from this era but, from what I can tell, most of what's parodied in BB must have flown right over, or under, my radar. (I damn well never had any internet in Footloose but that's one of the targets here, and it's parodied in song as well. In fact, all of the unbelievably awful music on the soundtrack was so bad I can't even come up with anything funny to say about it.) As far as the "plot" there's a mad chef on the loose in the neighborhood, hacking up pretty much all who cross his path as well as those he hunts down and kills. And while you'd think any bearded guy (who looks oddly like a taller version of Ultimate Fighter / ex-pro wrestler Tank Abbott) in a bloodied apron, checkered pants and wielding an oversize cleaver would be easy to spot, nobody except the group of "teens" and a few people in the neighborhood have any idea of the slaughter occurring in their midst. Best of all is the one girl who escapes to get help… and tacos. (Hey, she keeps saying she's starving.) While every other cast member is being killed (except for the heroine) this chick sits in the taco shop, splattered with her friends' blood, eating taco after taco. Overall, I was hoping maybe I could find something enjoyable to wrap my head around here, but hope only gets you so far.
—the Kommandant
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