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The Beast In Space
[Severin]
1980; color
Directed by Al Bradley
Starring: Sirpa Lane, Vassilli Karis, Lucio Rosato, Robert Hundar & Venantino Venantini
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I don't think the sci-fi minds of Gene Rodenberry, George Lucas and Isaac Asimov combined could have conceived the bizarre flick that is The Beast In Space. Or should I call it Battlestar Itscraptica... or maybe White Shaft In Space... I could go on... (...but Bunny won't let me!) Suffice it to say TBIS is enough sleazy "sexy" '70s Italian sci-fi to last a lifetime. The hand we're dealt here is the fifth and final of director Alfonso Brescia's Star Wars "inspired" films and, of course, it is also the porniest. The plot centers around Starship Captain Larry Madison, an adult version of Captain Kirk, who women find equally irresistible. He and his crew are sent to an uncharted part of the galaxy to search for a rare mineral and, while en route to the planet where the mineral supposedly is, they're attacked by a cut-rate, more evil Han Solo type of character. (Who comes across more like a cheap Star Trek villain then anything else.) Through sheer luck they manage to land on the planet that was their initial destination and that's when things really start to get weird. As the crew explores the planet, they unknowingly begin to get followed by guys who look like Guitar Wolf (or maybe the Ramones) from the back but who actually look a lot more like Zolar X from the front. The planet they're on is called Lorigon, but it might as well be named planet Horny because that's what everybody gets once they've landed. Shortly after their arrival the group gets transfixed by a pair of horses having sex (as if they've never seen horses, or horses having sex before), and one female crew member even gets turned on by it. Eventually they meet up with the guy who is the "ruler and owner" of the planet. He tells them how the planet is actually controlled by an old supercomputer, which is the repository of the mineral they're looking for. Then they proceed to have an extended orgy and banquet, during which it's revealed the owner of the place is some sort of a satyr, with furry animal legs (read: furry pants) and cloven hoofs. At some point they discover the planet really does have an hornify-ing effect on them so they take antidote pills and try to escape. Do they make it? Do they destroy the supercomputer and take it's mineral core? Is this movie worth watching? Mmmm, yeah... but probably not more than once.
—the Kommandant
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