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Queen Kong
[RetroMedia]
1976; color
Directed by Frank Agrama
Starring: Robin Askwith, Rula Lenska, Valerie Leon & Roger Hammond
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Filmed sometime after Dino De Laurentiis announced his intention to remake King Kong, but finished prior to the remake's release, this "adaptation" never quite made it to the big screen back in the day due to a flurry of lawsuits (or maybe it was one giant lawsuit, I'm not entirely clear on that) from the De Laurentiis camp. I did a little on-line research and found a couple of theories about why he may have wanted to put ye olde legal kibosh on this film, the most logical one being the copyright situation. (Although wouldn't the producers of the 1933 version hold the copyright, not De Laurentiis?) But my favorite theory was the one that said he felt this film would shame or embarrass the legendary, classic version of King Kong that he loved so much. The irony, of course, being that he himself brought so much shame and embarrassment to the legendary classic with his own crappy ass remake. But we're not here to judge that movie. Today's subject, Queen Kong, is, as you may have imagined, essentially a gender opposite re-make of the original King Kong. In other words, in the original film the ape is male and he falls in love with a woman; in this one the ape is female and falls in love with a man. But, believe it or not, there is more. Apparently the producers of this film felt there wasn't quite enough oomph in the original tale so they accessorized, and modernized, it a bit by adding side dishes of attempted comedy, cheeky social commentary and some of the worst music ever written. Although I have to admit I did like the part where they have the band, in monkey costumes of course, play the film's title track / the ape's theme song—the aptly titled "Queen Kong"—right before they unveil her to the curious on-lookers. (This song is also awful, but not so awful that the Kommandant & I aren't considering adding it to the repertoire of The Penitentiary III, our B-Movie themed garage band.) Since I plan on skipping the whole plot synopsis I guess should explain the social commentary part a little. You see, in this movie the heroine (as she calls herself) is a "feminist filmmaker." Meaning, she splits her time between making films and espousing on the many different ways that women are superior to men. To further highlight her feminist-ity, she has an all-female crew, her boat is dubbed the Liberated Lady, etc. It's all very nudge-nudge wink-wink and not at all like the Andrea Dworkin version of feminism, or even the NOW version. If I may make reference to a different sort of simian, this whole thing is actually like a really long episode of the Monkees, except there's only one British dude and he's blonder and taller than Davy Jones. (He is equally as unattractive though.) What can you say after sitting through 80+ minutes of something like this except wow. I mean, oy… I mean… I don't know what I mean. This is seriously one of the worst movies I have seen to date, and that is saying something. Yet there is still something somewhat charming about it's awfulness. I think it's the Britishness of it all. Those kooky English folk can get away with all sorts of unfunny bullshit in the name of comedy. Just ask Benny Hill. This one is for the truly brave of heart only. And don't say I didn't warn you.
—Bunny
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