Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre

2005; color

Directed by Jonathan Morgan

Starring: Stormy, Jessica Drake, Eric Masterson, Voodoo & Tommy Gunn

[This review was originally published in carbon 14 #30.]

As some of you already know, because we at c14 (collectively and individually) are never above a bit of cross-promotion, one of my "other" projects is a website called the B-Movie Buffet. On our site we review all sorts of crap, and of course I use the term crap with respect. One of our somewhat regularly updated columns on the BMB is called "The Decade That Dripped Blood," where we review slasher flicks from the '80s. (The most fruitful period in slasher movie history.) I decided to start up this column after happening across a late night cable showing of Chopping Mall a couple years ago; and if you've ever seen Chopping Mall, you can understand how it could inspire lots of things. Laughter mostly, but also fear of animated mall security robots that are really thinly disguised killing machines. (Um, you know, if there were such a thing.) Last year I also hit upon the idea to reviewed the entire Friday The 13th series, one per month, (aka 2006: The Year Of The 13ths) and that was really fun. So yeah, the Kommandant and I do appreciate the subtle and not so subtle joys of the slasher flick genre. We also, obviously, have this here adult movie review column which I guess reflects the fact that we appreciate the subtle and not so subtle joys of the porn genre. Although, honestly, there are times I don't appreciate some of the movies that get sent here. One thing I have grown weary of lately is the comedy porn. At least the comedy porn made by major adult studios because, much like the studios themselves, they're just so formulaic and same-y. Still, when Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre showed up I volunteered to review it, because I just could not resist the idea of the slasher movie porn parody. Having seen it, I'm thinking the idea was maybe a little better than the finished product. (Actually, there's really nothing wrong with the film at all, except the fact that it's pretty much exactly like every other Jonathan Morgan movie I've seen.) It all starts out innocently enough - as both slasher and porn movies usually do - with a group of "teenagers" riding in a dirty van on a deserted highway on their way to a Metallicide concert. This party of five encompasses the most popular characters of these types of films: the typical athlete, the dumb cheerleader, the slightly atypical athlete, the sarcastic rocker chick, and the nerdy art fag; played by Tommy Gunn, Stormy Daniels, Voodoo, Jessica Drake and Eric Masterson respectively. (I like to refer to the last role on that character list as the Crispin Glover; typically, this guy was the most "my type".) Anywhoo, on the way they decide to partake in a little pre-concert festivities in the back of the van, in this case meaning a foursome featuring the first four people on the list above while being filmed, Blair Witch / Friday The 13th Part 8 style, by the fifth. (PS: The premise of back of the van sex on the way to a concert - very plausible! Not that I would know anything about filming my sexual activities or having a foursome in the back of a vehicle on the way to the Philadelphia Spectrum; but if you take out the camera part and reduce the number of couples from two to one, maybe I would.) Realizing in their post-coitus haze that no one is driving the van, everyone quickly returns to their prior seating arrangement, just in time to plow into a homeless dude standing in the road. They scream. They panic. They scream a little more. Then they run over the homeless guy again, and again, and, finally, again. (This part was particularly funny to both Mr. and Mrs. c14 for some reason, even though it was SO cheesy and completely expected. Or maybe because it was so cheesy and completely expected.) This unfortunate series of events properly sets us up for what we've all come to expect from a slasher movie - violent bloody death. Except since this is a porn movie, the release of other bodily fluids takes precedent and this is pretty much where the film falls apart. They do manage to work a fair amount of parody into the rest of it but shortly after they arrive at the deserted campgrounds, the sex angle overtakes the death angle and there's a lot of typical porn bullshit to wade through. Personally, I would have preferred that more people died in this film, and preferably in some gruesome horrific ways; an odd thing for me to say, since I'm not a huge fan of gore. But I really think this film could have benefited from at least some horror movie-esque special effects - which they clearly have the budget to afford. At the very least I was expecting to see a disembodied hand or penis; possibly in one of the sex scenes. (And I mean, hello, it would take about five minutes to turn the script from Re-Animator into porn. Burning Angel already did that though with, Re-Penetrator, so maybe that's why Morgan skipped it.) On the whole I had mixed feeling about this one, but I think my expectations were too high. If you and / or your significant other are a fan of both slasher movies and porn and you're looking for something to watch on a Saturday night, there are certainly worse things you could pollute your brain with. On the other hand I wouldn't look to this film to offer anything that different from the other non-slasher movie themed porn films in the Wicked catalog.


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