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Microwave Massacre
[Anthem]
1983; color
Directed by Wayne Berwick
Starring: Jackie Vernon, Loren Schein, Al Troupe, Marla Simon & Claire Ginsberg
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As some of you may already know - due to me mentioning it in the past - one of the many odd jobs the Kommandant held prior to becoming one half of the multi-media conglomerate known by the many names we are known by was that of humble video store clerk. (He was later upgraded to humble video store manager.) This once-held job is the main source of the also oft mentioned boxes of dusty VHS tapes - both pre-recorded and dubbed - that occupy an equally dusty corner of our basement. Because it was the '80s, and he was in his mid-20s at the time, the majority of these films are either horror movies or porn. Most of the time when he heads down the basement steps and returns with a handful of tapes for possible viewing he's holding horror films, which is good since I don't go for some of that '80s porn. Way too many scenes involving Lee Press-On Nails, ankle socks and Ron Jeremy. (Although I may or may not have watched some films containing all three of those things starring a certain someone who may or may not have made some adult films when she may or may not have been under 18, the possession of which may or may not send a person to jail; but only in the name of scientific research.) Anywhoo, I bring all of this up because the Kommandant has unearthed a dusty VHS tape of Microwave Massacre many, many times. Until now, I've always managed to avoid watching it. For the record, it's not that I was afraid it might contain something extra horrible that one might not see in your average '80s flick with the word massacre in the title. It was more that, based on the box cover and description offered by you know who, it just looked and sounded so incredibly bad. And not, like, bad in a way that can be appreciated like a HG Lewis movie. An actual really bad film that just did not need to be made, in any era, period. Nonetheless, knowing how much I like to group things together each week (by title or subject or director or what have you), he jumped on the chance provided by the arrival of Northville Cemetery Massacre to unearth the tape once again and, in a moment of weakness, I agreed to watch it. And here we are. I wish I could say viewing the film changed my preconceived notions of it in some way but I can't. Essentially MM is the tale of a fat, gross, construction worker type dude who has an unattractive, annoying wife. Said wife fancies herself some kind of chef, which I guess is supposed to explain why they have a ridiculously giant microwave. Then, one fateful day, wifey becomes so annoying that her betrothed kills her and then freezes her… or microwaves her… or feeds her to his co-workers… or all of the above. Basically, that's what happens during the rest of the film too - fat, gross guy encounters women, kills them, microwaves them, and serves them to people. In some particular order that I didn't really pay attention to. Eventually he meets a relatively ironic fate and the movie ends abruptly. Thankfully! I know there's an audience for this one out there somewhere, I just don't think I'm it.
—Bunny
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